Feel the burn…it hurts!

I joined a gym.

Yes, I know…WHY?

Let me explain. Last fall, a few things happened, starting with Hurricane Sandy. Along with everything else that happened because of that Superstorm, an unusual phenomenon occurred among Jersey women called the Sandy Ten. It was the result of us sitting around, with no refrigeration or means to cook food, for eight or more days. We all ate anything that came in an Entenmann’s bakery box. In my case, we’re talking chocolate frosted donuts and crumb cake. Collectively, I think women in New Jersey gained 1.379 million pounds. I was personally responsible for about, yes, ten of them.

Then I quit my day job, which was as a bookseller at Barnes and Noble. My job had a downside, of course, but one of the great things was my daily 10,000 steps, back and forth to the main desk, during an eight-hour shift. Because I quit as winter was starting, it was hard to make up all that walking by heading outside. So I sat around. I was writing, but that doesn’t really qualify as a physical activity. When I finally stepped on a scale, I was stunned. The last time I weighed that much, I was three days away from giving birth.

So I joined a gym. It’s right down the street, literally three minutes away. It’s open 24/7, so I could, if so moved, walk down there the next time I was awake at four in the morning and felt like putting a little time on the elliptical machine.

Now, here’s the thing. I know how exercise is supposed to work. You repeat a specific activity until you’re sweaty, tired, and your muscles start to hurt. That helps built muscle tissue, which increases your metabolism, and increases strength and stamina. All good things. I know that.

But there’s a problem. When I get sweaty, my first inclination is to stop what I’m doing and get a drink, preferably something that’s served with a cute pink umbrella. When I get tired, I want to stretch out somewhere and read. When my muscles hurt, I want to first dull the pain (preferably with something that’s served with a cute pink umbrella) then rest (and stretch out and read). So, left to my own devices, any work-out would probably result in my becoming a well-rested, well-read alcoholic.

Obviously, intervention was going to be required if this was going to work.

Enter Jarrett. He’s a trainer He’s also an ex-Marine. His mother lives right in town. When I saw her in the Post Office the other day, I yelled at her.

“Your son is killing me!”

She laughed. Hey, he’s her son, so she’s probably in amazing shape and therefore completely unsympathetic.

So, Jarrett and I sat down for a chat. First, he asked me what my goals were. I recited the long litany of weight-gain woes that he listened to without his eyes glazing over. Obviously, a complete professional. Then I told him I also wanted to build muscle mass and increase my flexibility. And oh yes, I wanted really buff arms. I was going to reference Angela Bassett in What’s Love Got To Do With It, but figured he was way to young to know who I was talking about.

He gave me as assessment, which required me to do things I hadn’t done since high school gym class. I went on a few machines, did a killer sit-up or ten, and he wrote all sorts of things down. At the end of the session, I was tired, but thought, hey, that wasn’t so bad. Next day, every single part of my body hurt, and continued to do so for three days. But I toughed it out – no pain, no gain, right?

Now, when I mentioned building muscle mass, I was thinking we could find two or three muscles, you know, really big ones, and work on those. Jarrett, however, devised a program that will target a different muscle group every time I go in for a workout. I go to the gym two or three times a week. It takes two or three days for my muscles to stop hurting. So I’m going to be sore every single day for the next three months.

And did I mention cardio? It is SO boring to go on a treadmill at eight in the morning and walk and then run and then walk…even listening to great disco music from the seventies on my iPod cannot make the time go faster.

I’ve been at it about a month and haven’t lost a pound. Yes, I know, muscle weighs more that fat. Maybe my waistband is a little looser. My brother-in-law asked me if I was losing weight, so my body shape is changing. And now, when I walk the dog, I’m pulling her along, instead of the other way around.

But, once I accomplish all my goals – slim down, get a little buff, finish a mile at a respectable jog rather than a brisk walk – I know that it’s not over. I can’t relish the feeling that I’ve done the work and can now power-walk triumphantly into the sunset.

All I can do is keep going, three times a week, for the rest of my life.

Because as soon as I stop…

9 Things My Mother Doesn’t Know About

Mother’s Day is here again, so Happy Mother’s Day to the 1.97 billion mothers out there. How is the number of mothers calculated? There are approximately 7 billion people on the planet. A little over half are women, and about 2.4 billion are of child-bearing years or greater. Of those 2.4 billion, 18%, or .433 billion choose not to have children, leaving 1.97 billion potential mothers.

Hence the above number of mothers but since I haven’t counted every one, let’s assume the number is a wild guess.

I lost my mother nearly 35 years ago and have now been without her longer than I had her. Every single day I think of her. Two years ago for Mother’s Day,  I wrote a post about a conversation with Mom  and decided to write about it again.

I think of all she’s missed in the 35 years she’s been gone. The other day I was shredding paper and my thoughts drifted to her and how she would have demanded to know what that horrible, loud machine was and what on earth was I doing?

Which led to more thoughts about all the things we have and take for granted today which we would have been unable to comprehend  back then, in 1979.

So, Mom, here’s a partial list, by no means inclusive, just nine things at which I think you would marvel:

Air bags – Remember when we used to drive around with no seat belts and the kids flopped around on the back seat? Well, no more! Now everyone has to be buckled in and the kids have to be in government-approved safety seats and there are big inflatable bags installed throughout the car that will automatically burst forth and protect you if you are involved in a collision. It could potentially break a few bones, especially in smaller people so kids can’t even be in the front seat until they reach a certain height/weight.

ATM machines – This is a good way for banks to cut costs. It eliminated a lot of jobs and people don’t go inside the bank much anymore, but we’re accustomed to it now. You slide a card in and money comes out. Although you really don’t need much money anymore, because everything is done with that card or others just like it. Everywhere you go, you slide cards and sign your name using a fat pen on a screen and it is always completely illegible.

Bar codes and scanners – Nothing has price tags any longer. Instead, the price is on the shelf where the item sits and each item has a code which is scanned by the clerk as he passes it over a little window which beeps happily when it can determine what the code is. Each code has its own price and knows if it’s on sale or if it’s BOGO. Everyone hated these at first, and didn’t trust them, but nobody ever listened to these complaints. So no one thinks about it any longer, it’s become a way of life.

E-mail – This is a new way of corresponding with people. We now write letters and messages to other people using a computer or even a phone (but we better not go to the phone part just yet). When you write an email it gets sent immediately to the other person who might get a little ding that announces its arrival. It used to be fun to get emails, but now most of them are advertisements and junk. Meanwhile, the Post Office is going broke because people seldom mail anything, so the price of stamps is regularly jacked up which makes people even more determined not to mail anything.

Mobile phones – These are phones without wires. Voices float through the air. There are things called cell phone towers erected all over which are ugly but necessary for this. The closest cell phone tower to where you are picks up your voice and sends it to a cell phone tower closest to the person you want to talk to. Then you talk, break up, ask the person to repeat herself, talk some more, break up some more. Then you usually say call me back, and try again. You remember those old phones we had in the 70′s? Those were actually much better quality and more reliable. But mobile phones let you take your phone with you wherever you go and you will never be in danger of being out of touch. And also, you can see who is calling so you can click the “ignore” button, which is empowering.

GPS systems – This is the new map. Instead of hauling out the Atlas which is all beat up from being tossed around in the trunk for a decade (and Missouri and Montana are missing altogether), we now punch or say where we want to go and a voice comes on and tells us what to do. Usually it is right. But not always. This can be on a mobile phone or some new cars have them in the dashboard.

Online shopping – Now we can sit at our computers and shop. You do know about computers, right? They had those back in the 70′s.  They used to be big, now they are small and sit on your desk or your lap. You use them to search and buy things. You select what you want to buy and then they ask you for the numbers on that card (see the ATM Machine section), and the charge goes through and they mail your item to you. Sometimes they use the Post Office which makes the Post Office happy. The only problem with this is the excessive amount of cardboard used, which has to be recycled. Oh, wait. You might not know about recycling. We didn’t do much of it back then.

Recycling – We now have to be very careful not to throw out some things. We have to return it so it can be reprocessed and used to make more stuff to be thrown out, er, recycled. This is so we can reduce something called our “carbon footprint” which really means we discard way too much trash and it is making a big mess of the world.

Paper Shredders – Now we have a thing called identify theft. That’s where bad guys find your SSN or your secret financial papers and use the information to hack around and steal money from you. So now you have to save up your vulnerable documents and then one day, finally, you must sit down and shred it all, feed it into a noisy machine which can chop it up into little pieces. It makes a big mess when you dump the shreddings, and fills up plastic bags which you then recycle (see “Recycling” above).

This has been just a sampling of technology and inventions and new ways of life that you’ve missed. I suspect you would have adapted to some of them, maybe most of them. And Happy Mother’s Day, Mom, wherever you are.

Relax. It’s only a game…or is it?

Do you have a person in your life who’s just a little bit…off? You know, the uncle who is convinced that there really are aliens living among us? The neighbor who is stockpiling food, just in case? Or the guy at work who will, if you let him, explain how there is a massive conspiracy, spearheaded by a shadowy underground network, to demoralize and ultimately destroy the very fabric of our society? And that they are doing it through such a simple and innocent vehicle, that we’ll never notice until it’s too late?

I always laughed at that one. First of all, who are ‘They’ exactly? How on earth could they possibly get to so many people at the same time? And what could ‘They’ do that would be so demoralizing?

Yeah, I always thought that guy was particularly crazy. But then, I downloaded a seemingly innocent game called Candy Crush Saga, and I’m beginning to think, after a few weeks of playing, that maybe, just maybe…that guy is right.

Candy Crush Saga first came to my attention because some of my Facebook friends were playing and were posting their results. They also asked if I wanted to play with them. Listen to me now, people – these requests are NOT from your friends. No friend would seek to ensnare you in such an evil time-suck. They are trying to recruit you, yes, so please – heed my warning.

Step away from the screen.

It looks so innocent. Pretty colors, bright animation, a sweet little cartoon girl to guide you along. And at first, you think, hey – why not? After all, it’s free. And it doesn’t look hard. The game is just a simple grid, filled with colored ‘candies’. It’s just like playing tic-tac-toe. You move the candies to get three in a row, those three vanish, and you find three more. So easy, right? And when you’ve completed a level, you see a banner come across the screen that says, ‘Wonderful!’

And really, don’t we all want to be wonderful?

But – what happens when you DON’T complete the level? Well, then you get a different banner.

Level failed.
You did not complete the goal.

Wait – I failed? That’s not what I’m about. I succeed. And what’s this crap about not completing the goal? I ALWAYS reach my goals. That’s what being an American is all about, reaching higher and farther, and achieving whatever we want. What’s this little animated girl, crying for pity’s sake, telling me I FAILED????

So, you try again. Of course you do. And maybe this time, you complete the level. Or not. So you try again. And again. And here is where it gets tricky. Yes, of course playing the game is free. But – want a little Booster? Something to help you along? Or, do you want a few extra tries, even after time has run out? Well, that sort of thing you can buy. And here’s another twist – you’re only allowed so many tries in a certain period of time. If you’ve used up all your tries, you have to wait. 30 Minutes. There’s even a cute little clock that show the time for you. Unless, you want to buy another ‘Life” then and there.

See what I’m getting at? This could cost you a bundle.

And here’s the thing – as you’re trying to race against the clock, or complete the level in only so-many moves, you think, ‘This is impossible’. But it’s not, and you know it, because suddenly you’ve done it, you’ve moved on to the next thing, and you’re feeling pretty good about yourself until…’This is impossible’.

Only now, you know the cold, hard truth. It’s not ‘impossible’.

You just can’t do it.

You keep trying. You stare at the screen and try to maximized your every move. If you get four in a row, you get a striped candy with extra power. Five in a row equals a round chocolate ball covered in sprinkles. If you combine two of these together, you get a super-candy. So – how can I get this from all the way over here, and combine it with this one…

Did I mention this is a real time-suck?

And then, you get to the levels where the chocolate squares actually spread, COVERING up your choices, making it that much harder!

Oh my.

Last month, I had two projects due. I finished another romantic comedy, which was sent off to an editor’s desk. I also finished my YA project that I’ll be launching in June. So, although I felt bad about not being able to post to this site in March, I had a few pretty reasons. I was busy. I was working.

I was also playing Candy Crush Saga.

I’m so sorry. Really. But how could I find time to read a book to review, or compare the screen/book versions of Silver Linings Playbook, when Level 35 was taunting me, calling out in the middle of the night, daring me to spend $.99 on an extra try?

I’m up to Level 65 now.

I’ve made it this far without buying any boosters or extra lives.

I’ve given up walking the dog and raking the yard so I can find time to work on those pesky edits.

So far, I’m failing. It’s impossible.

No, it’s not impossible. That’s the thing – I know that it’s me. I’m not good enough… no matter what I do… no matter how hard I try…

…’they’ are starting to wear me down.